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09 December 2010 @ 04:10 pm
Critique on prose piece need, rip me apart!  
Hi, I'm applying to a creative writing course at university and my favourite uni has requested samples of my writing, so it's really important that I make this perfect. Constructive criticism is my best friend. Please rip it apart, be picky, let me know what you think. Thanks!


“Long Distance” - draft one

“Can’t you just stay?” I ask.
“I’ll be back again before you know it,” you say, looking down at me, forcing a smile.
Another month apart. The time spreads out before us. It is cold, so cold that it’s infiltrating this moment, its fingers brushing down our spines, filling us with sadness and despair.
I look at you, stare hard, trying to drink your image in, demanding more, more, more of my eyes. I just want to make these final seconds really count, to really appreciate you while I still have you...
...The curve of your lips, the colour of your skin, the sadness in your eyes.
“Can’t I just stay?” you ask.
I flash you a weak smile but can’t reply: the train is in the distance; the smooth electronic swoosh turns my stomach. In unison, we both squeeze the other’s hand.
You kiss m and tears well up in my closed eyes, escaping the confines of my lids, and running down my cheeks. But I’ll savour this moment. Your kiss. The hot, heady rush. Your hands in my hair. Your scent.
And then kiss is over.
And then it’s done.
I can barely see you through my tears, and I curse myself for wasting these last few seconds crying. There will be time for that later. Your hand slips out of mine.
Can’t you just stay?
You walk away. I stay where I am.
You press the open button on the train door. My hand stays open, fingers stretched, leaving a space for yours to come and lace back through.
And for just one moment, I think that I might never move, that I’ll stay right here, with my fingers left open, waiting for you to come back again and fill the spaces. But you look back at me and something in your expression makes all irrationality evaporate. You will come back to me. You will. You will. You will.
So my hand raises and waves you goodbye. And a spark of happiness is lit somewhere inside my chest, and it pushes away the cold expanse of time. I have you, no matter what distance prevents me from seeing your eyes, or kissing your lips, or holding your hand. I have you, and that is enough.
 
 
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teabags2821teabags2821 on December 27th, 2010 12:51 am (UTC)
Wow... this is really well written and the descriptive words are very well used (not over burdened with big words to make yourself sound smart) and as the reader I was placed very much in empathy for the main character. I also like the androgynous tone that neither character is defined by sex.
I think it stands well as an alone dream scape short story but would also fold well into a larger one too.

Well done :)
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